Emociones

Upon first arriving to Nicaragua we were presented with sinusoidal-esk graph that depicted our future emotions while becoming a volunteer and over the next couple of years. We all are expected to go through our highs and lows. I did not believe this graph nor did I want to believe the graph. How could someone tell me how I was going to feel? And why was I going to listen to this graph? Its just a graph with some squiggly lines that pass over a period of time. I am in this beautiful country, I am somewhere new, there are sites to see and volcanoes to explore! There is no way I will experience anything but happiness and excitement!

Lets be honest here: That graph was right! It hits others at different points, but in all reality we experience different forms of highs and lows as Peace Corps Trainees and Volunteers. My eleven weeks of training were full of emotions. I was happy, I was sad, I was tired, I was excited, frustrated, nervous, determined, and much more. The last week of training was spent hanging out with friends, enjoying conversations, crazy nights at the hotel, boring charlas, a cook out at the U.S. Embassy that involved swimming and sand volleyball, and meeting the stand-in Ambassador who is ironically named "Charles Barkley"! The last day was spent saying good byes and "Que le vaya bien." We will not see each other for another month and after this will be another two months.

Ok, today I broke down. I do not know why nor understand why, I just let loose. Maybe it was best that I did. So many emotions were running through my head. I had to head to my room, fall on my bed, close my eyes, and listen to the quiet hum of the fan that stands in the corner. It was relaxing. For a few minutes I felt alone, I felt lost. There was no one to reach out to, no one to call, talk to, no one to hug or make me smile.

I fell asleep for about thirty minutes and woke up to the sun shinning through the window onto my face. A weird feeling crept over me. I felt like I was home, a place I could feel safe in. Why am I just now feeling this way? Maybe I am home. Maybe this is what my experience is suppose to feel like. I left my room, walked outside, and headed down the road for a walk. The air was calm with a cool breeze as heavy rain clouds began to move in. The sight of Volcano Mombacho was disappearing in the distance. Being able to see Mombacho in the distance is always a soothing feeling. It has become my motivation. Everyday I wake up, I walk out on to the highway and search for the tall peak of Mombacho covered by morning clouds. Finally, I can smile.

A smile is the best medicine I was told. So far, this has held to be true.

Another day has passed, I have survived, I am healthy, I feel alive.